If I were president...

All the time we here someone say, "If I were president blah blah blah." Then they go on and tell us all of the things they would do differently. First of all, that's completely irrelevant. Second, it's boring. I don't care what you would do if you were president because even the people who become president never do what they said they would. Recently, I have been thinking about something far more meaningful.

Now, if I were president who would I take to the top with me? At first, i wondered who would be in my cabinet. Then I realized that no one cares who i would make Secretary of the State either. Then I really realized what was important. What kind of people would I put around myself to make each day flow smoothly into the next? Who would raise the first family? Who would get me to all of my important presidential destinations? Who would tend the presidential garden or handle the press for me? Well I figured it all out.


Secret Service - Bobby Nisbet
This guy is a real bouncer... at a real club. Whether they admit it or not, every guy secretly aspires to be a bouncer. Why? When you can tell someone you're a bouncer then you are the ultimate bad A. Plus you get to talk trash to drunk punks and get paid for it. Not only that, but I have seen him play Call of Duty. Well, I taught him everything he knows in Call of Duty, but I can't think of a better teacher. So, The Niz will be handling the Secret Service for El Presidente Garrett.

Presidential Janitor/Gardner/Mechanic/Handyman -Paul Moller
We find a broken ping pong table, who do I call? Paul Moller
My clutch begins to slip, who do I call? Paul Moller
Our pet rat Dwight keeps breaking down, who do we call? Paul Moller
Who has his own garden on his tiny little patio? Paul Moller
Who leveled up 37 times in the first day of being a member of Farmville? Paul Moller

So naturally, when Air Force One needs an oil change, or the furnace in the White House kicks it, or when I want to turn John's door nob around so I can lock it from the outside again who do you think I will call? Paul Moller

Speech Writer - John Matarazzo
Imagine if president Obama stood up to give a State of the Union address and began with a stunning illustration about homebrewing... The truth is that American politics have lost the presence of charisma. As president, I will usher in an era of charismatic brilliance. And I will do so by drawing from the exceptional talent of this exceptionally talented elocutionist.

Presidential Driver - Brennan Wells
Ok, we used to play Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. I could have had the fastest cop car in the game and still not caught up to this guy. He is a wheelman that seems to frequently defy physics. For over a year he needed only 4 gears to do what most men would need 5 for. He frequently outruns Hurley's truck. Most importantly, five days a week he is forced to navigate the Wal-mart parking lot. I think that his past experience has prepared him to safely maneuver me far from the clutches of terrorists. One can only imagine what will happen when we put him behind the wheel of a powerful car with a switchboard full of tricks. He'll be smashing the gas, cranking the wheel, and dropping tear gas in the road to the dismay of the bad guys.

Hype Man/Public Relations - Matt York/Russel Joy
At first I thought just one man would fill both of these roles. I've since realized that these two in tandem would probably change the world. You see, if Matt York were to hype any type of public address, there wouldn't be a television in America that wasn't tuned in. The American people would be excited to hear from me even when they knew I was bringing bad news. Is it because I would have such an illustrious personality that no one could get enough of me? NO!!! It's because of Matt York.
Then there is Russel. I thought this one through. Some of the biggest media disasters have occurred for one reason. The person in front of the microphone cant's handle the press. Why then, would I have Russ deal with the media? Because we all know the press can't handle Russel Joy. In addition, if anyone ever runs a bad story about me then Russ will write a nasty poem about them. So who gets the last laugh?

First Lady - Ashleigh Aguilar
This one was so easy. For starters, there is not a woman in this world better suited to raise my children. Second, she is my best friend. Also, she is a phenomenal cook. I used to rate food on a scale from 1 to 10. I now rate food on a scale from Bobby to Ashleigh. This woman somehow knows exactly where every belonging of mine is at all times. She could be six hours away and she knows where I left my wallet. I can't even run my own life without her, so a country? Forget it. When I am president this country will owe it's sovereignty to Ashleigh.